Adarsh Speaks

From the Perspective of a Guy on Wheels

People are around us all the time, especially in India. I don’t know any place in India where you can go without seeing a person. Wherever you go, into a forest, up a mountain, or across the ocean, you are bound to encounter a person within a few hours. The world’s population is increasing and soon India’s is going to become more populous than China. With such a large population, we have such a diverse group of people with different personalities, different ideologies, different cultures, and different ways of expressing themselves.

Now I would like to focus on a specific criteria of how the population treats someone with a disability, specifically a people who is physically disabled and uses a wheelchair, so as to avoid bias of other disabilities. Based on my experiences and observations I have categorized five types of people on how they treat a wheelchair user. Please do keep in mind that there is no correct or wrong type of people and that many people are simply unaware, and their behaviour often stems from ignorance.  Also, I have found that many people change their perception of who I am over time, when they get to know me better. For instance, towards the end of my master’s degree college program many people said, “You are not who I thought you were going to be” (in a positive way). I would have ignored this saying had one or two people shared it, but on reflection, I found a lot of people said that closer to the end of my college years. This phrase just kept repeating itself at the back of my head, and I started questioning it. I analyzed it in my mind and started asking people what they meant, and started observing new people I met, and having conversations with people close to me about this.

Over years of reflections, experiences, and observations I came with 5 categories of how “normal” people treat people in a wheelchair and I have explained my thought process:

1. People who are sympathetic or take pity on you: A lot of people take on this perceptive. Sometimes when I visit a place like a hospital and someone comes to assist me (even if I don’t require it) they say things like “Oh you poor thing, why has God done this to you. You seem like such a nice boy”.  
   
   When I meet new people whether at a function, at an appointment, or even friends of friends I get a sense that people are curious on why I use a wheelchair. They want to know what happened to me. Most people keep it within themselves, but some simply ask upfront. Some of them respectfully say “If you don’t mind me asking” or some just randomly ask out of the blue because curiosity has gotten the better of them. I don’t mind either way because I understand the urge to ask. I always wondered why people get curious till one day I found myself doing the same thing several times. Even when I meet other people with disabilities, I would wonder how they got it. Was it through an accident or was it by birth? Hence, I started believing that this feeling of curiosity was common and there was nothing unusual about it.
   
   Once I answered their questions about my disability. Some would start feeling sympathetic and would say things like “Oh it must be very difficult for you”, “life is not fair”, and even things like “be positive, please don’t lose hope” or “be brave, everything will turn out fine”. Now when people say these things, my initial thoughts that surface above all else are, “these people don’t know anything about me and who are they to tell me how to think or act?” Of course I don’t say this openly. Instead in my mind I keep saying that it is not their fault that they say that, and their intensions mean well. They are just not aware.
   
   Now you must be wondering what my answers to these people are. For the most part I just nod my head and say “yes, sure”. Depending on the environment, the situation, and my own gut feeling of the person, sometimes I get into conversation about this. Especially when people say, “oh it must be difficult for you”, I say “it is not difficult, it is normal for me. Everyone has some sort of difficulty in their life, and this is mine, the only difference is mine is visible.” For some responses I politely tell them that they don’t know me and once you get to me know me, they will understand. I kind of throw the ball into their court so if they are genuinely interested in me, they will make an effort to get to know me.
   
   I do agree that I sometimes I shouldn’t just nod my head yes for a quick end to the conversation, and I should spread awareness. But the situation sometimes gets the better of me. I do aim to reduce these quick ‘yes’ responses.
   
2. People who glorify you and put you on an alter: Here is a group of people who have a perspective of the other extreme compared with sympathy. Most incidents of this have been random people coming up and telling me things. For example, at restaurants or breweries where I am having a drink with my friends, sometimes random people have come and tell me “It’s great that you are coming out and doing things like us regular people, it’s amazing”, or “its inspiring to see you in this environment”. Sometimes when my friends and I go to a club where they dance, I like to sit next to the DJ and hear the music upfront. I usually sit to the side where drunken dancers won’t stumble on me and have my friends dance around me. Sometimes random people come up and say things like “wow its great you came up here, its inspiring” or even sometimes someone who has been a little intoxicated comes and continuously praises me and says things like “if you can get through your difficulties than so can I”, sooner or later my friends have to come rescue me and send him away.
   
   What do I think of all of this? Everyone likes being praised, and I am no exception. I of course enjoy the praises, but since I am from a psychology background and having learnt to question everything, I questioned why these people say these things. Maybe some of these are genuine remarks, or maybe some are just so the people who are complimenting me may feel better themselves. Their own challenges or difficulties in life come to surface when they see a guy on a wheelchair having fun. I have never asked anyone about this, but this has been my own intuition of thoughts.
   
   I usually have no remarks to say when someone says the above remarks except maybe “thank you”. A couple of instances I have replied saying “I am not different, I am just like anyone else”.
   
   Another observation is that it has always been a guy who walks up and says the above-mentioned remarks. Never has it been a girl. I would think my remarks would be the same, but you would never know (especially if it were a cute girl ;p)
   
3. People who think you are similar to them and try to relate to you: There have been quite a few instances where people have had injuries of their own in the past and they may come with the intention of thinking they understand me because of their past injuries and want to give some sort of “life advice”. It can also be the other way where people seek me out so they can unburden themselves by thinking I can understand them or relate to them.  There have also been people who have a family member who is disabled and try to get a perspective from my side.
   
   Here I don’t see anything wrong people seeking me out either to make themselves feel better. I guess being a psychologist changes this. In such situations I usually begin my answers by saying “each person has their own difficulties”, give some positive thoughts, and try to understand them.
   
   On the other hand, when people think they understand me and think they can give advice I don’t like it, but I don’t show it. Many times, people have come up and said, “oh I have broken my leg once and had to use a wheelchair, I know how it feels”, or “I had to use a wheelchair for 6 months, I don’t know how you do it?”. At this point in my mind I am thinking, “you have just met me and there is no way you understand how I feel or what I am going through”. I guess I try to escape the situation then.
   
4. People who think you are insignificant and ignore you: This scenario is quite common and I will give examples of a range of incidents where I would feel insignificant or ignored.
   
   I shall start with a scenario that ended on a positive note.  Once I was entering a park in Mysore with a few friends where you have to pay a small fee. The gate was manned by a forest ranger. He said that he cannot allow me inside due to my electric wheelchair. Instead of getting angry or mad, I held my composure and told my friends that I will handle it. I looked straight into his eyes and told him in Kannada, “this is a public park, which is wheelchair accessible, and in fact there is a rental mobility scooter behind you, so why are you saying this”.  He replied with a blinded statement “if I let you in, then others like you will also come in”. This statement was appalling, but me being me, I didn’t lose my temper, rather I understand the situation and figured it is really not this guy’s fault. It is rather his lack of awareness and not being taught how to talk. He actually seemed like a nice guy without an attitude issue. I decided at that moment to actually try something new and that was to just have a discussion with this guy. By then other park officials had come and let me in. Once inside the park I called the guy over and continued our discussion. Based on his statement “that if I enter than others like me will enter”, I asked him his job profile and he said to help the environment and the public. I then said “If you are helping the public, then am I not part of the public? Being a respected forest ranger, shouldn’t you actually me more thrilled that more people like me are coming out and using the public park that you are a part of instead of being at home”. By the end of our small discussion the guy was actually in tears and admitted that he never thought in that perspective. He apologized profusely even on the way back from the park.  
   
   A negative example occurred during a rainy day when I attended the flower show in India with my cook, Nagamma (who is like family).  We were on a stroll round the gardens looking at various flowers when it suddenly started raining. Nagamma quickly found a shelter and got me inside before it became overcrowded. It was a very tight space and I had to maneuver my wheelchair lest I run over someone’s foot in this crowd. Somehow, I managed, but an older women admonished me. She looked down at me and started shouting at me in Kannada saying, “Who are you to come out here, your kind of people should stay at home, that is your karma”. Thankfully before she could say more Nagamma shouted back at her and told her to mind her own business. In my mind I did not blame the women who was shouting at me, but rather the system of how the public has not been educated or implementing awareness. Such old beliefs, superstitions, and stereotypes still exist in a big city.
   
   During my late teens and early adult days I was very quiet. I would talk only when I was spoken to. Sometimes at spa places, haircut places, or even dance clubs, people would ask the people I came with if I was “okay in the head”. For some reason people would put ‘me not talking’ and me sitting in a wheelchair together and think ‘he is not in the right state of mind’. Of course, it is not right for people to jump to conclusions immediately.  
   
   Sometimes my insignificance works in a positive way sometimes. For example, during college especially, the girls would sometimes want to have the typical girl talk and wouldn’t mind me being in the classroom. At times the college teachers discussed important things in my presence and didn’t mind me being there. I have noticed this phenomenon at several places where people want to discuss something important and don’t mind if I am there in the same room. Luckily, they don’t have to worry about me because upholding confidentiality and integrity is a large part of who I am.
   
5. People who treat you like everybody else: This category of group is hard to come across. They are very rare. Most people around my close circle fall in this category usually after they have gotten to know me. For me, when I mean I like to be treated like everybody else it means that people are free to speak their mind without the slightest hesitations.  They don’t have to speak or act differently because I am in a wheelchair.
   
   The best example of this is a fellow psychology classmate of mine who challenged how people talk to me. In fact, we became good friends till today because of her curious questions about me. She was frank but not rude, she wanted very specific answers and tried to analyze how I processed things in my mind She really made me think a lot. For example, I mentioned earlier people are curious why I am disabled, but don’t know how to approach me. She was direct and if I remember correctly, she said, “Please don’t take it the wrong way, but I would like to know what happened? What is your story? There is no ulterior reason or anything. I just want to know”. I liked this direct approach and we spoke a lot over the next few days and soon became friends. She had lots of questions like, “what is the right terminology that you prefer?”, or “what things can someone say that would make you take offense?”, or “if I said it like this, is it correct?”, or “Do we need to technically hold the lift door open for you every time you come up (actually you don’t)?”. Questions like this would actually make me think. Us becoming friends is the perfect example of how she learnt to treat me like everybody else, by asking questions and most importantly, which was because she wanted to. 
   
   Now there have also been a few instances in meeting friends of friends or guests my family bring over for dinners who seem to treat me like anyone else. Usually older guests are more careful; they are better at hiding their initial thoughts, or because the social setting mandates it, or they are actual one of those rare people.
   
   One aspect I would like to point out again and again is that once people get to know me, this invisible glass wall of awkwardness will shatter for the better.

I would like to assure that the above 5 categories are solely based on my opinion and thoughts. I am not pointing fingers at people and saying what is right and what is wrong, I am simply just sharing my experiences and thought processes to the world with the intention of spreading awareness and initiating potential topics for deep dive discussions. 

I would like to conclude on the note that curiosity is a natural state of mind.  If and when one is curious to know about something or someone, one should take note of the emotion and ask questions. Of course, there is always a way to ask questions without sounding rude, harsh, or being mistaken. One never knows what could come out of acknowledging and acting on one’s curiosity.